I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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