i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
