What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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