so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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