It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
