i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
