I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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