between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
