we have pet lesbian snakes
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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