I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
