A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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