A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
