So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
