she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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