I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
