I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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