I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
