you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
