Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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