Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
