So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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