I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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