He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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