She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
