i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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