dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
