I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
