he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
