so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
