my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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