When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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