so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
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I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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