Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
