On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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