i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
