I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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