Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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