u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
