Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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