Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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