I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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