if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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