I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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