then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
