Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I checked into jail on foursquare
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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