My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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