did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
