It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
