the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
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Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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