i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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