What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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