I wish I could teleport
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
