My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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