would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
