yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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