I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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