Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
