Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
