some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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